hunger...

I am so hungry....and I can't eat. I finally looked at the scale today and I'm down to 137. That's great!! I'm back in the 30's. It's been almost a year since I've been there!


So, to distract myself, I'm writing about how I can't eat.


I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat.

Ban Photoshop??

I was watching this video today about how they photoshop pictures of celebrity's before they ever get released. Then they were talking about whether it should be banned or not. I personally believe that it should be. These photo's are what make children at a young age and even young adults develop eating disorders. We're trying to reach a level of perfection that will never exist. Although we see it in our head, we will never achieve it. You see girls believing that if all you see is bone then they are beautiful. I personally do not want to be bone, but I have a feeling that no matter what I do, I'm only going to see fat. Could I end up just being pure bone and skin? Sure, because I bet the people that get that far still only see fat, fat, fat.


Link to photoshop video


BEFORE

AFTER

First Post

So....this is my first blog post...I've been realizing that I should keep some sort of journal about how my days go because that's the only way I'll be able to keep track of what I'm eating, how I'm feeling, and how much progress I'm making on my journey to perfection.


Every day I look in the mirror. I try to see what everyone says they see....a perfectly beautiful woman, with a gorgeous smile, pretty eyes, and an average body. But, of course the last thing they ever talk about is my size. I know I'm huge and I hate it when people tell me I'm not, especially my boyfriend. I don't even know how he loves me, he tells me that my curves are sexy and he thinks I'm perfect. Well whenever he says that, that makes me feel even more uncomfortable with who I am. How can you be calling me sexy when you look at these models who are "hot" and "sexy"? I don't compare with that, so how dare you sit there and tell me that I could possibly even fit these definitions. And, I've always been compared to my sister, Ms. Beauty Queen who has like 5 different titles...been a size 0 up until sophmore year of college and then now she's a size 2. God Forbid. I've always been compared to her, always felt the need to look just like her. We have different bone structures though. I have larger bones and she is more petit although we are the same height, well she's just a few inches taller than me. But, I know my bones won't shrink and I couldn't look like her even if I was a skeleton.


My collar bone started to show though, like popping out which is making me happy, I just lost 3 pounds in 2 days from not eating and doing some sit ups and drinking a mass amount of water along with my water pills, and some fat burning pills. :) I am now down to 137.2 only 7.2 more pounds to lose to reach my first goal weight! :)


For some reason restricting is feeling a lot easier this time, and I don't know why. But, I'm not expecting it to last.


I gotta go though. Class time!


~S.