I'm kinda proud of myself.

So last night my friends wanted to hang out, drink and watch a movie and play rock band. I'm not much of a drinker but I said I would hang out with them. So I did, we played rock band and then when they watched the movie I was on the phone with my boyfriend the whole time (I'd already saw the movie so it didn't matter) But before we started playing rock band everyone wanted to go get soda and chocolate. Chocolate is one of my weaknesses! So I bought a small bag of reese pieces. They stayed by me the entire time. 2 hours later I'm still holding them but they hadn't been opened. Then we went down to watch the movie and I called my boyfriend. I was staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, phone in one hand and the chocolate in the other. I was so disgusted with what I saw, I looked down at the bag and just said in my head "you will not control me" and I threw them in the garbage and walked away. I was very proud of myself.

Although, I'm back up a pound....not sure how that happened. So I will not eat today.

xo ~S.

WOOOOHOOO!!

So, I can't update this in my stats yet because it hasn't been a week and maybe it'll change more by tuesday, but I did go down a pound! I know it's not much but considering that I ate yesterday and the fact that it's been so hard to lose any weight at all. I'm stoked!!!!!

My friend just asked me if I wanted to go eat with her in the cafeteria for dinner. And, I really want to go so I can socialize but...I know if I go down there I'll just be tempted and I'll eat something. Even though I lost a pound, I'm excited but I'm still sitting her thinking about what'd I'd get to eat if i went down there. So I know that I'd cave. It's better that I stay put in my dorm room and forget that food even exists. When I get hungry I'll down some water! :) always seems to fill me up!

xo ~S.

fucked up again...what else is new?

Gahh!! It's been so hard. Tomorrow I will try this again, I have to prove to myself that I can go one day. With my working out today my net intake of calories was 417 calories. =[ gahh.

oh well. tomorrow is a new day......

Starting Over

I am starting over today. I WILL make it one full day with now food. Now it's time to transform this into a habit! Take over ana, I'm willing and waiting for you to bring me down!




xo ~S.

FFFFUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!

Gah! I'm such a fuck up!!! I went with my friend to eat because she was hungry and wanted company. I ended up getting a small tuna grinder. That's around 360 calories for the dayy! gahh! I'm sooo fatt!! 




I hate myself! Tomorrow will be different! I'm busy all dayy!!! So shouldn't be a problem! No food for me tomorrow! I will go one whole day!


xo ~S.

My True Test....

Today is the first day I have ever fasted and made it through the entire day. I woke up at 7am to go to a doctor's appointment. And now it is 6:30pm and I have had no food. I had a coffee with soy milk and honey which was about 114 calories. I then did yoga for an hour and 45 minutes so I burned around 288 calories. Which leaves me at a net of zero calories. 


During yoga though I was getting so dizzy but I pushed through. It was kind of a rush to feel that way. Then I had to go to the store after that, and that's when my true test began. I was walking down the street and I smelt all of this food, smells surrounded me. It felt so good to know that I once again have control. I was talking to myself in my head looking in these windows watching people eat and smelling the food saying "I don't need you, no, I will not give in. I'm stronger than you, and I will win." Ana has taken control of me again, and it's so amazing. Hearing her voice controlling my ever thought, she keeps pushing me forward, reminding me how much further I have to go. And now, I'm sitting in my dorm room and my roommates boyfriend is in here eating a BLT and french frys. It smells so good. If I feel like I can't take it, I will only give into a Tbsp of honey. & that's it. When I go out with my friend later so she can eat, I will resist every temptation that is thrown my way. I will win, I will succeed! I WILL BE THIN! I WILL HAVE THE PERFECT BODY. Mark my words! 


Hello hunger pains...I've truly missed ignoring you!


xo ~S.




EDIT @6:36pm -


I have not changed my stats because I weigh the same...another reason why ana needs to kick my ass! 18  more pounds to go until my 2nd goal weight. but so I wont freak myself out I have 8 more pounds to go until my first goal weight! I'm so close, yet so far away.

my new plan! :)

So I decided starting tomorrow, I'm going to live off a water. Eat a Banana in the morning or a pair, then just have water. I have a bottle of honey and if I get hungry to the point that I can't take it I will just have a 1 Tbsp of honey which is only 60 calories...it'll give me the sugar I need to keep my energy up and from what I read it's a good source...one website said this...

I found this webiste because I was thinking of just eating a Tbsp of honey whenever I got extremely hungry. I knew it was good for digestion and a good way to end hunger. & It's only 60 calories. So I figure if I had a Tbsp for breakfast lunch and dinner I'd only be having 180 calories a day...and every few days I'd throw in a banana or something. But then I actually found a diet that uses only honey,cinnamon and water!

You take 1 teaspoon of honey & one-half teaspoon of cinnamon powder and boil it with 1 cup of water.

After the mixture has boiled, filter it into another cup.

Then divide the mixture into 2 half cup quantities. 

Drink one of the them one half hour before breakfast

& one half hour before bed. 

It says you can lose 3-5 pounds in one week without changing any eating habits so I figure if I'm already not eating then the weight should just fly off right?! 

It says: "according to materials and articles recommending this diet, the mixture of cinnamon powder and honey stops the body from accumulating fat....Also honey is and antioxidant that does all kinds of good things for the body. Cinnamon is used to influence blood sugar and the way it's processed. Which gives your body a better chance to break food down in such a way that it doesn't turn into fat. Abdominal weight is more sensitive to cinnamon's effects than other body weight."

Thought maybe some people might wanna give this a try with me! I look forward to hearing what you guys think! 

xo ~S.

trying to play catch up....

So here's my problem...


I know I haven't written in a few days and the reason being is because I was with my boyfriend. He is an amazing guy and I'm lucky that he even chose to be with me. He is smart, funny, talented, sexy....everything you could possibly want someone to be, he is. During the summer when we weren't dating he was my best friend. He was at my house a lot and one of my other closest friends came to stay with me for a week. She has an ED too, and so when he was visiting he found out. I got the whole speech on how "you're perfect the way you are" and it didn't help because my friend that has the ED told me one night when he was there that I was fat. (a lot of help right...needless to say we're not friends really anymore.) So long story short my boyfriend is well aware of my eating disorder, and he found my diet pills when he came to visit me once. And, at that time I was on like 4 different pills. 


I did stop taking them for a while....about 3 weeks, it felt like a year though. I started taking one of them again. But, no one knows...I've been very good at hiding it. But like I said I was with my boyfriend this weekend, and because he knows about my eating habits...or lack there of, he makes me eat...whether I say I'm hungry or not. Most of the time after I see him and I eat more than I usually would I become addicted to food again. I HATE it! I can't stand it. I sat on my dorm room bed for 15 minutes just repeating to myself "you're not hungry....you're fooling yourself. you don't want food, you don't want food, you don't want food." I've been trying so hard to distract myself...I hate this...I hate feeling like this. When ana decides to enter me again full force I will gladly accept her.


I used to think that I wanted to get help. Someone to talk to. But, I'm alright living in this mental state that I'm in, I'm perfectly fine not eating. I'm perfectly happy stepping on the scale everyday watching the numbers drop. i don't know what to do. My friend is coming by in an hour, I promised her before I left I'd go have dinner with her. But, my fat ass has already caved in today and ate. bleh. I might just have a cup of coffee while she eats. 


Back to the pills again tomorrow, and I must weight myself....although I'm not expecting a change on the scale this time.  =[


xo ~S.

I feel so awful

Gah! I ate again!! Why do I keep doing this!! I feel so sick! :( My body is not happy and I can tell how badly it wants to get out of my body! I can't even drink water, because the thought of putting ANYTHING else into my body just makes me more nauseous. gahhh!


What do I do?! Anyone have any ideas?! It could really help me!




xo ~S.

I've been thinking....

I know they always say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day because it kick starts the metabolism. So, I've come up with a plan. I'm going to wake up every morning and go eat breakfast..something light. Like scrambled eggs, or yogurt and granola...so that way my metabolism gets kick started. Then in the afternoon, I'll have a cup of coffee because the caffeine will keep it running. On top of taking all my weight pills, and drinking all the water I drink....hopefully this weight will drop off like nothing!


I got up this morning and had some scrambled eggs. I'm still so tired and I want to go back to sleep but I can't....because then the food will just sit there and gather as fat....


gahh....idk what to do...i'm running out of options and ideas....can anyone help out with this one?




xo ~S.

why do I continue to do this to myself?

I had a doctor's appointment early this morning and I had to get up at 7am. By the time I was coming back to my dorm my stomach hurt so bad and was growling and making awful noises. People were looking at me so strangely trying to figure out what was wrong. When I got back I went to go eat. I didn't have much. I had 3 bites of scrambled eggs, and 2 bites of yogurt and granola with a glass of water. That is pretty much nothing, and I might as well have not eaten at all. But #1I felt like I was going to puke and #2 I felt so shitty afterwards. I felt like all of a sudden my jeans didn't fit anymore and my shirt felt tighter.


Every time I eat this happens....so why do I continue to do it? I can't go back to where I was. I'm finally back in the 130's. Thank the lord!! So...as of today...I'm done eating :)


It's going to be harder this weekend when I'm with my boyfriend....I'm looking forward to being with him...but I'm not looking forward to having to eat, or even being watched. He did catch on to the fact that I haven't been eating...so that hasn't been a good thing. :(


Anyways, I'll write later!


xo ~S.