trying to play catch up....

So here's my problem...


I know I haven't written in a few days and the reason being is because I was with my boyfriend. He is an amazing guy and I'm lucky that he even chose to be with me. He is smart, funny, talented, sexy....everything you could possibly want someone to be, he is. During the summer when we weren't dating he was my best friend. He was at my house a lot and one of my other closest friends came to stay with me for a week. She has an ED too, and so when he was visiting he found out. I got the whole speech on how "you're perfect the way you are" and it didn't help because my friend that has the ED told me one night when he was there that I was fat. (a lot of help right...needless to say we're not friends really anymore.) So long story short my boyfriend is well aware of my eating disorder, and he found my diet pills when he came to visit me once. And, at that time I was on like 4 different pills. 


I did stop taking them for a while....about 3 weeks, it felt like a year though. I started taking one of them again. But, no one knows...I've been very good at hiding it. But like I said I was with my boyfriend this weekend, and because he knows about my eating habits...or lack there of, he makes me eat...whether I say I'm hungry or not. Most of the time after I see him and I eat more than I usually would I become addicted to food again. I HATE it! I can't stand it. I sat on my dorm room bed for 15 minutes just repeating to myself "you're not hungry....you're fooling yourself. you don't want food, you don't want food, you don't want food." I've been trying so hard to distract myself...I hate this...I hate feeling like this. When ana decides to enter me again full force I will gladly accept her.


I used to think that I wanted to get help. Someone to talk to. But, I'm alright living in this mental state that I'm in, I'm perfectly fine not eating. I'm perfectly happy stepping on the scale everyday watching the numbers drop. i don't know what to do. My friend is coming by in an hour, I promised her before I left I'd go have dinner with her. But, my fat ass has already caved in today and ate. bleh. I might just have a cup of coffee while she eats. 


Back to the pills again tomorrow, and I must weight myself....although I'm not expecting a change on the scale this time.  =[


xo ~S.