This Needs To Stop!

I was doing so well! I lost 7 pounds from the diet pill! I made it to 129!! I haven't seen 129 in YEARS!!! Then what happens?! I got extremely sick one day from not eating for like 2 weeks while taking this diet pill! So I started eating to try and fill my body with some nutrition to last me until march! Now I'm back up to 131 and I can't stop eating! I feel so full and so gross but my body is begging me for food, and I don't know how to stop it! It feels like my willpower is no longer strong enough to fight. What I had today was cereal with 1% milk, an apple, a tuna grinder, and some sweethearts. I want to barf...but I sing so I can't. I've already almost lost my voice for good! :( I can't do anything else to put my voice in danger! So the only thing I can do is laxatives but I can't....I left them at school. How else can I make myself sick enough to try and shit everything out!! Somebody help me and give me some advice as to how to get back on track!!! I want to cry! I want to be 123 by March 12!! Do you think I can do it?!!?

~S.

FOUR POUNDS!!!

I know I wrote a post on the 2nd saying that I was starting to take pills again. Well, I was looking online on GNC to find the best and I found this one called OxyElite Pro!! OH-MY-GOSH has it worked wonders! I started taking it two days ago and I'm already down FOUR POUNDS! I went back up to 138 so now I'm back to 134! How awesome is that! This pill had 150 reviews and only 3 of them were bad reviews! Everyone was loosing at least 10 pounds in the first week to week and a half! It makes it where you're not hungry at all and if you want food you have to make yourself eat it! For the past two days I've only had 225 calories each day and 100 calories were from a Vitamin water! How crazzy is that!!?!? This is helping me restrict so much! I couldn't even finish a banana!!

I am so happy right now, and this pill gives me soo much energy without the jitters, so I can even work out longer! :)

I just thought I'd share, normally I wouldn't suggest diet pills to anyone but if you are considering it or stuck in a rut and need help just getting out of a certain weight you've been stuck at, I HIGHLY recommend this pill.

Click here to read more about it and the reviews!



~S.

hardest time...

Today has been super hard....
I got away with not eating a lot though..I had a banana and then half a serving of Raman Noodles, then a muffin top and a ton of water. I mean that was probably a good 400 calories total. If that? I don't even know...But I'm trying so hard to get to around 100-200 calories a day...plus my vitamins, and my weight loss pills that I have started taking again...not proud of it though :( gahhh! This weight just needs to come off and fast...but I also need to cancel my gym membership because I don't have the money to keep going anymore...I mean I guess I could...but it's like $45 bucks a month and I'm a college student with a lot of other things that I need to pay for...I just don't know what to do.

Besides that I didn't get too much exercise in today which sucks....but I'm waking up in the morning to work out with a friend...we run the stairs for about a half and hour then I do some body weight stuff like crunches and push ups and stuff....I'm really trying...

I'm not even hungry right now...but I can't stop thinking about food...my mind tricks me and tells me to eat.."your bored...you should stuff your face" and then ana chimes in and reminds me with "do you know how fat you are? you're never going to reach your goal you fat pig. You deserve to never eat again." And, then I just remember how right she is.

Damn you ana. Why do I let you control my life...I want to be happy with myself for once and not feel so worthless.

~S.

I'm Back

Hey guys,

I'm finally back after a long time. I was kind pulled away from everything until I could be trusted again by everyone. I ended up having to open up to people about my eating disorder, even to my doctor. I wasn't hospitalized but who is and who really takes you seriously until you're like extremely underweight and all you see is bone. Which is exactly what I want!! Over the past month or so, I've been able to gain everyone's trust back. They believe that I've been eating....but that's because I have. I've done very well though, I haven't gained any weight. But, I am going on vacation in March and I want to look fantastic! So it's time to get back on my horse and finish my journey. I want to be 120 by March 1st. Right now I weigh 135. I don't think that will be too bad. I have 29 days to lose 15 pounds....do you think I can do it?

I need to start journaling more to keep me on track. So I'll be posting a lot more!

How has everyone else been?

~S.

I'm kinda proud of myself.

So last night my friends wanted to hang out, drink and watch a movie and play rock band. I'm not much of a drinker but I said I would hang out with them. So I did, we played rock band and then when they watched the movie I was on the phone with my boyfriend the whole time (I'd already saw the movie so it didn't matter) But before we started playing rock band everyone wanted to go get soda and chocolate. Chocolate is one of my weaknesses! So I bought a small bag of reese pieces. They stayed by me the entire time. 2 hours later I'm still holding them but they hadn't been opened. Then we went down to watch the movie and I called my boyfriend. I was staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, phone in one hand and the chocolate in the other. I was so disgusted with what I saw, I looked down at the bag and just said in my head "you will not control me" and I threw them in the garbage and walked away. I was very proud of myself.

Although, I'm back up a pound....not sure how that happened. So I will not eat today.

xo ~S.

WOOOOHOOO!!

So, I can't update this in my stats yet because it hasn't been a week and maybe it'll change more by tuesday, but I did go down a pound! I know it's not much but considering that I ate yesterday and the fact that it's been so hard to lose any weight at all. I'm stoked!!!!!

My friend just asked me if I wanted to go eat with her in the cafeteria for dinner. And, I really want to go so I can socialize but...I know if I go down there I'll just be tempted and I'll eat something. Even though I lost a pound, I'm excited but I'm still sitting her thinking about what'd I'd get to eat if i went down there. So I know that I'd cave. It's better that I stay put in my dorm room and forget that food even exists. When I get hungry I'll down some water! :) always seems to fill me up!

xo ~S.

fucked up again...what else is new?

Gahh!! It's been so hard. Tomorrow I will try this again, I have to prove to myself that I can go one day. With my working out today my net intake of calories was 417 calories. =[ gahh.

oh well. tomorrow is a new day......

Starting Over

I am starting over today. I WILL make it one full day with now food. Now it's time to transform this into a habit! Take over ana, I'm willing and waiting for you to bring me down!




xo ~S.

FFFFUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!

Gah! I'm such a fuck up!!! I went with my friend to eat because she was hungry and wanted company. I ended up getting a small tuna grinder. That's around 360 calories for the dayy! gahh! I'm sooo fatt!! 




I hate myself! Tomorrow will be different! I'm busy all dayy!!! So shouldn't be a problem! No food for me tomorrow! I will go one whole day!


xo ~S.

My True Test....

Today is the first day I have ever fasted and made it through the entire day. I woke up at 7am to go to a doctor's appointment. And now it is 6:30pm and I have had no food. I had a coffee with soy milk and honey which was about 114 calories. I then did yoga for an hour and 45 minutes so I burned around 288 calories. Which leaves me at a net of zero calories. 


During yoga though I was getting so dizzy but I pushed through. It was kind of a rush to feel that way. Then I had to go to the store after that, and that's when my true test began. I was walking down the street and I smelt all of this food, smells surrounded me. It felt so good to know that I once again have control. I was talking to myself in my head looking in these windows watching people eat and smelling the food saying "I don't need you, no, I will not give in. I'm stronger than you, and I will win." Ana has taken control of me again, and it's so amazing. Hearing her voice controlling my ever thought, she keeps pushing me forward, reminding me how much further I have to go. And now, I'm sitting in my dorm room and my roommates boyfriend is in here eating a BLT and french frys. It smells so good. If I feel like I can't take it, I will only give into a Tbsp of honey. & that's it. When I go out with my friend later so she can eat, I will resist every temptation that is thrown my way. I will win, I will succeed! I WILL BE THIN! I WILL HAVE THE PERFECT BODY. Mark my words! 


Hello hunger pains...I've truly missed ignoring you!


xo ~S.




EDIT @6:36pm -


I have not changed my stats because I weigh the same...another reason why ana needs to kick my ass! 18  more pounds to go until my 2nd goal weight. but so I wont freak myself out I have 8 more pounds to go until my first goal weight! I'm so close, yet so far away.

my new plan! :)

So I decided starting tomorrow, I'm going to live off a water. Eat a Banana in the morning or a pair, then just have water. I have a bottle of honey and if I get hungry to the point that I can't take it I will just have a 1 Tbsp of honey which is only 60 calories...it'll give me the sugar I need to keep my energy up and from what I read it's a good source...one website said this...

I found this webiste because I was thinking of just eating a Tbsp of honey whenever I got extremely hungry. I knew it was good for digestion and a good way to end hunger. & It's only 60 calories. So I figure if I had a Tbsp for breakfast lunch and dinner I'd only be having 180 calories a day...and every few days I'd throw in a banana or something. But then I actually found a diet that uses only honey,cinnamon and water!

You take 1 teaspoon of honey & one-half teaspoon of cinnamon powder and boil it with 1 cup of water.

After the mixture has boiled, filter it into another cup.

Then divide the mixture into 2 half cup quantities. 

Drink one of the them one half hour before breakfast

& one half hour before bed. 

It says you can lose 3-5 pounds in one week without changing any eating habits so I figure if I'm already not eating then the weight should just fly off right?! 

It says: "according to materials and articles recommending this diet, the mixture of cinnamon powder and honey stops the body from accumulating fat....Also honey is and antioxidant that does all kinds of good things for the body. Cinnamon is used to influence blood sugar and the way it's processed. Which gives your body a better chance to break food down in such a way that it doesn't turn into fat. Abdominal weight is more sensitive to cinnamon's effects than other body weight."

Thought maybe some people might wanna give this a try with me! I look forward to hearing what you guys think! 

xo ~S.

trying to play catch up....

So here's my problem...


I know I haven't written in a few days and the reason being is because I was with my boyfriend. He is an amazing guy and I'm lucky that he even chose to be with me. He is smart, funny, talented, sexy....everything you could possibly want someone to be, he is. During the summer when we weren't dating he was my best friend. He was at my house a lot and one of my other closest friends came to stay with me for a week. She has an ED too, and so when he was visiting he found out. I got the whole speech on how "you're perfect the way you are" and it didn't help because my friend that has the ED told me one night when he was there that I was fat. (a lot of help right...needless to say we're not friends really anymore.) So long story short my boyfriend is well aware of my eating disorder, and he found my diet pills when he came to visit me once. And, at that time I was on like 4 different pills. 


I did stop taking them for a while....about 3 weeks, it felt like a year though. I started taking one of them again. But, no one knows...I've been very good at hiding it. But like I said I was with my boyfriend this weekend, and because he knows about my eating habits...or lack there of, he makes me eat...whether I say I'm hungry or not. Most of the time after I see him and I eat more than I usually would I become addicted to food again. I HATE it! I can't stand it. I sat on my dorm room bed for 15 minutes just repeating to myself "you're not hungry....you're fooling yourself. you don't want food, you don't want food, you don't want food." I've been trying so hard to distract myself...I hate this...I hate feeling like this. When ana decides to enter me again full force I will gladly accept her.


I used to think that I wanted to get help. Someone to talk to. But, I'm alright living in this mental state that I'm in, I'm perfectly fine not eating. I'm perfectly happy stepping on the scale everyday watching the numbers drop. i don't know what to do. My friend is coming by in an hour, I promised her before I left I'd go have dinner with her. But, my fat ass has already caved in today and ate. bleh. I might just have a cup of coffee while she eats. 


Back to the pills again tomorrow, and I must weight myself....although I'm not expecting a change on the scale this time.  =[


xo ~S.

I feel so awful

Gah! I ate again!! Why do I keep doing this!! I feel so sick! :( My body is not happy and I can tell how badly it wants to get out of my body! I can't even drink water, because the thought of putting ANYTHING else into my body just makes me more nauseous. gahhh!


What do I do?! Anyone have any ideas?! It could really help me!




xo ~S.

I've been thinking....

I know they always say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day because it kick starts the metabolism. So, I've come up with a plan. I'm going to wake up every morning and go eat breakfast..something light. Like scrambled eggs, or yogurt and granola...so that way my metabolism gets kick started. Then in the afternoon, I'll have a cup of coffee because the caffeine will keep it running. On top of taking all my weight pills, and drinking all the water I drink....hopefully this weight will drop off like nothing!


I got up this morning and had some scrambled eggs. I'm still so tired and I want to go back to sleep but I can't....because then the food will just sit there and gather as fat....


gahh....idk what to do...i'm running out of options and ideas....can anyone help out with this one?




xo ~S.

why do I continue to do this to myself?

I had a doctor's appointment early this morning and I had to get up at 7am. By the time I was coming back to my dorm my stomach hurt so bad and was growling and making awful noises. People were looking at me so strangely trying to figure out what was wrong. When I got back I went to go eat. I didn't have much. I had 3 bites of scrambled eggs, and 2 bites of yogurt and granola with a glass of water. That is pretty much nothing, and I might as well have not eaten at all. But #1I felt like I was going to puke and #2 I felt so shitty afterwards. I felt like all of a sudden my jeans didn't fit anymore and my shirt felt tighter.


Every time I eat this happens....so why do I continue to do it? I can't go back to where I was. I'm finally back in the 130's. Thank the lord!! So...as of today...I'm done eating :)


It's going to be harder this weekend when I'm with my boyfriend....I'm looking forward to being with him...but I'm not looking forward to having to eat, or even being watched. He did catch on to the fact that I haven't been eating...so that hasn't been a good thing. :(


Anyways, I'll write later!


xo ~S.

hunger...

I am so hungry....and I can't eat. I finally looked at the scale today and I'm down to 137. That's great!! I'm back in the 30's. It's been almost a year since I've been there!


So, to distract myself, I'm writing about how I can't eat.


I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat. I can't eat.

Ban Photoshop??

I was watching this video today about how they photoshop pictures of celebrity's before they ever get released. Then they were talking about whether it should be banned or not. I personally believe that it should be. These photo's are what make children at a young age and even young adults develop eating disorders. We're trying to reach a level of perfection that will never exist. Although we see it in our head, we will never achieve it. You see girls believing that if all you see is bone then they are beautiful. I personally do not want to be bone, but I have a feeling that no matter what I do, I'm only going to see fat. Could I end up just being pure bone and skin? Sure, because I bet the people that get that far still only see fat, fat, fat.


Link to photoshop video


BEFORE

AFTER

First Post

So....this is my first blog post...I've been realizing that I should keep some sort of journal about how my days go because that's the only way I'll be able to keep track of what I'm eating, how I'm feeling, and how much progress I'm making on my journey to perfection.


Every day I look in the mirror. I try to see what everyone says they see....a perfectly beautiful woman, with a gorgeous smile, pretty eyes, and an average body. But, of course the last thing they ever talk about is my size. I know I'm huge and I hate it when people tell me I'm not, especially my boyfriend. I don't even know how he loves me, he tells me that my curves are sexy and he thinks I'm perfect. Well whenever he says that, that makes me feel even more uncomfortable with who I am. How can you be calling me sexy when you look at these models who are "hot" and "sexy"? I don't compare with that, so how dare you sit there and tell me that I could possibly even fit these definitions. And, I've always been compared to my sister, Ms. Beauty Queen who has like 5 different titles...been a size 0 up until sophmore year of college and then now she's a size 2. God Forbid. I've always been compared to her, always felt the need to look just like her. We have different bone structures though. I have larger bones and she is more petit although we are the same height, well she's just a few inches taller than me. But, I know my bones won't shrink and I couldn't look like her even if I was a skeleton.


My collar bone started to show though, like popping out which is making me happy, I just lost 3 pounds in 2 days from not eating and doing some sit ups and drinking a mass amount of water along with my water pills, and some fat burning pills. :) I am now down to 137.2 only 7.2 more pounds to lose to reach my first goal weight! :)


For some reason restricting is feeling a lot easier this time, and I don't know why. But, I'm not expecting it to last.


I gotta go though. Class time!


~S.